Once Upon a Time Play Pal Playset User Guides and Manuals
by NotMarge
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own Once Upon a Time Play Pal Playset! In order to ensure a happy fairy tale existence with your life-size units, we have taken the time to create several user-friendly manuals. As more units become available for purchase, more guides will be available for your enjoyment. (Formerly titled Rumplestilskin User Guide & Manual)
1. RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE

I do not own ABC's Once Upon a Time.

I just try to keep up with all its little twists and turns.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: A User Guide and Manual

* * *

Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE unit. In order to ensure a happy fairy tale existence with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.

Note: GOLD unit and RUMPLESTILTSKIN: PRECURSE unit not included in this packaging. Please contact your Amazon representative if you believe a mistake has occurred with your order.

* * *

Technical Specifications:

Name: Rumplestiltskin

Alias: The Dark One, Rumple, Beast, Crocodile, Dang-What-Is-_THAT_

Age: 300 years plus

Place of Manufacture: Enchanted Forest

Height: 5 ft. 8 in.

Weight: unknown – probably quite a bit considering the weight of sins carried on his shoulders

Included Accessories:

(1) large well maintained wooden spinning wheel

(1) hardly chipped tea cup

(1) magical dagger (take extra care with this item as it is rumored to be the weapon of his demise)

(1) box of magical accoutrements including fairy godmother wand, potions, etc

(1) rather large Dark Castle estate

Programming:

Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is equipped with the following modes:

_Imp-like Trickster:_ Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit frequently exhibits fiendishly maniacal, unpredictable flourishes of behavior. In this mode, he frequently speaks with a high, lilting tone that some might feel is reminiscent of a small, carefree Scottish lad. Theories abound as to his intentions with these mystifying characteristics. It is thought by some that this behavior is simply a distraction used to misdirect those involved from his disturbing outward appearance and inwardly sly machinations. Others believe he is simply having a bit of fun, much like a participant in a masked Italian farce performance.

_Melancholy Creature of Darkness:_ Though your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit can be a wild and crazy guy, he also is prone to periods of sorrowful reserve and stoic despondency. One indicator of this mode is that his voice usually exhibits with a lower, quieter resonance and he expresses less hyper-active-evil-Robin-Goodfellow displays. When these times do occur and you despair of ever getting a more palatable version of your unit back on-line, please have some perspective and patience. He has been alive for more than three hundred years, has seen and done terrible, gruesome things, and has in general, been through a lot of crap. That takes some centuries to work through and forget. Providing him with loads of straw so that he may spin in silent reflection to help alleviate this unfortunate condition.

_Ancient Wise One_: Hang around long enough and your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit may likely reveal some important, helpful tidbits that can make your journey through life a decidedly more successful one. *

*Some common ones are:

"Everyone has a choice, dearie. Just make sure it's the right one." - Take responsibility for yourself and make your own decisions.

"Every story needs a memorable detail!" - Have fun being interesting.

"Evil isn't born, dearie, it's made." - We all start out innocent.

"Your boat. Exquisite craftsmanship." - Good manners are a excellent way to start out a conversation.

Useful Talents/Abilities:

_Purveyor of Magical Elements_: It goes without saying that your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has the ability to make life altering curses and potions for the right price. A note of warning: Make sure you are willing to pay the price.

_Lawyer Extraordinaire_: Hand-in-hand with the aforementioned talent, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has the uncanny ability to create deals so unbreakable that by the time you realize that you're well and truly screwed, there is probably no way out. Tread lightly.

_Sly Demon_: A cunning individual, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit possesses the ability to warn you of impending doom and dangerous truth while simultaneously confusing you enough that you will not be able to process the information until it slaps you in the face. Metaphorically speaking. Well, maybe. If you're lucky.

_Eyes of the_ _Oracle_: Through a series of unfortunate events, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has attained the ability to see into the future. However, be warned that this ability is not a straight up card trick. It is more akin to piecing together a puzzle blindfolded with a dyslexic duck who keeps flipping the cards back over whenever you sneeze.

_Deadly Heart Surgeon: _Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit possesses a disturbing ability to reach into the chest cavity of nearly anyone and take control of that person's weirdly glowing, non-bloody heart. Be ware that this act is shocking until you've seen it a few dozen times and then it becomes a birthday party trick that dang near anyone can perform, including adolescent boys with no magical ability whatsoever.

_A Hit with the Ladies_: Finally, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit innately exudes such a strong personality that he flirts with nearly every female he comes in contact with without giving off a dirty old man vibe. Mostly. Seriously, the dude gets more action that any other unit you will currently find available for purchase.

Removal of Your Unit from Packaging:

Due to his sporadic nature, there is really no telling how your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will emerge from his packaging container. He may jump out and scare you, much like a maniacal Jack-in-the-Box or he may simply appear wherever you least expect it.

In light of this complication, we have included suggestions for you to follow for your own mental well-being.

(1) Write down what you want to say on notecards before opening the box as he will probably run verbal circles around you if you don't. And whatever you do, _whatever you do_, stick to the cards.

(2) Imbibe a medicinal relaxant or soothing tea so that you are as unflinching as possible.

(3) If you are a female, dress as alluringly as possible to stall him from his immediate goal of dumbfounding the bejeebers out of you. *

(4) If you are a male, steel yourself for emotional turmoil as he will immediately question your manliness and make you feel either weak and impotent or outraged and impotent.

(5) Be wary of exhibiting trust in him as he will probably take advantage of that by trapping you into an unbreakable deal with some dire consequences.

*A possible side effect of this tactic is that he will instantly hit on you, a glitch commonly referred to as the "Creepy Older Dude Vibe".

Compatibility with Other Units:

BELLE unit: Initially, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will simply use this unit as a lowly servant in his rather large estate. Given time and near catastrophes, your BELLE unit will prove endearing enough that he will find himself drawn to her like a scaly little magical puppy with abandonment issues. However, be forewarned that if she exhibits any suspicious (in his amber eyes) behavior whatsoever, he will banish her from his presence and all his positive progress will be thoroughly trounced.

BAE unit: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit loves this son unit deeply, having been both mother and father to him for many years. However, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is so afraid of relinquishing his new found powers that he will ultimately coward out and abandon him at the nearest McDonald's. This will cause massive, permanent feelings of guilt that will eventually result in your unit creating a curse to end all curses. This is a fixed point in time that cannot be undone. Any noble effort to change this moment will most likely result in ripping a giant hole in the space time continuum.*

* Please do not attempt at home. There is no way to explain this disaster to your insurance provider.

CORA unit: This vulnerable, voluptuous unit is one of the few mere human units to actually have the ability to outwit your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit with her rendition of that pottery scene from _Ghost_.* Once he realizes he has been well and truly duped by his own combination of hubris and prom night hormones, he will throw a giant hissy fit which will prove highly embarrassing to him and any involved witnesses. As such, any CORA unit remains permanently imprinted on your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit. Though he moves on from her betrayal, it causes him to become ever more suspicious of any and all units purporting to care for him.

*If at all possible, please refrain from throwing up on your units at this time. They are dry clean only and your local services will probably charge you extra for bringing in such troublesome items.

EVIL QUEEN unit: The most ever fluctuating relationship of your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit, these two units vacillate between enemy and ally more often than Prince Justin of the Bieber royally shames himself. The EVIL QUEEN unit is one of the few female units that your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has never hit on, thus making their relationship an anomaly in the world of creepy flirtations. Reasons for this are unknown though one may suspect a family connection between them.

PETER PAN/MALCOLM unit: As this unit is a strong link to your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit, he experiences high levels of anxiety and unrest when faced with this particular unit. Though your PETERPAN/MALCOLM unit mostly appears in the guise of a skinny teenage boy, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has no qualms about meeting this unit on an equal playing field of animosity. And trust us, you won't mind it either. Just grab some light refreshments and a comfy seat and watch them go.

ZELENA unit: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will mock this unit's lack of most loved things and disregard her as less than important to him than other more useful sacrificial lambs under his scaly influence. Citing her growing envy for a certain raven haired future political leader will only instigate her sudden evolution into a grass toned fury-filled scorned woman like Hell hath no. This may also be held up as telling evidence that one's iniquities often return to nip one in the posterior.

MILAH unit: This female unit represents both your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit's first successful female contact and his first crushing heartbreak. Keep this unit separate from your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit as her coarse, devastating revelations to him will cause him to pull her glowing heart from her body, crumple it to dust, and dirty your freshly steam-cleaned Oriental rug.

As your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has many associations in many worlds, some yet unknown, we have chosen to address but a few of the most prevalent characters here. Otherwise this tome would be too big to fit in your house/hut/castle/hovel/living abode. Thank you for your understanding.

Cleaning:

Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is entirely capable of completing his own cleansing rituals independently. However if you really want to make those scales of his shine, here are some useful tips.

(1) Buy a silver cleaning kit and keep it nearby.

(2) Wait until your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is spinning at his wheel.

(3) Approach casually with a basket of fresh straw.

(4) While he is spinning, flit in and out dragonfly style to polish the dingiest of his scales. *

*This strategy will require stealth, strategy, and the speediest of maneuvers. You may choose to practice on a caffeine charged, declawed kitty cat first to hone your technique so he will not freak out and turn you into a three eyed toad.

Note: Occasionally, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will experience a molting phase similar to reptiles. During this time, he may be prone to peel his scaly skin and throw it at you. There is really no cure for this. It's just what he does to gross you out.

*After cleaning his scales out of your hair and bustier, throw them directly into the incinerator. Do not keep them in your Pretty Princess Hope Chest as they could be stolen and used by an enemy to create a control spell.

*Do not keep them in a vial around your neck as a token of his undying love and affection. They really most likely aren't and that's just nasty. (Looking at you, Angelina Jolie fifteen years ago.)

Feeding:

Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is not exactly particular about what he eats. He has been known to enjoy an aromatic cup of tea now and again. Just make sure you put it in his favorite hardly chipped tea cup.

Rest:

Unfortunately, inadequate intel has been gathered regarding this matter. Fanfictional rumors indicate he snores like a dragon and sleeps in the nude. Substantial virtual lollipop offered for anyone willing to divulge useful information regarding this matter.

Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSTKIN unit keeps experiencing rage fits and breaking all my stuff. What should I do?

A: Replace everything single thing you own with plastic. Oh, and sign up for the premium insurance package with your local provider.

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit cackles madly and scares my neighbors at weekend grill-outs. What should I do?

A: Invite less wimpy neighbors to your grill-outs.

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit exhibits frequent sad behaviors such as crying and self-loathing. Is my unit malfunctioning?

A: No. Your unit is experiencing what is commonly known as "Conflicted Villain" algorithm sequence. Just buy extra hankies and place them at convenient locations around your dwelling.

Q: My RUMPLESTILSKIN unit keeps repeating the line "All magic comes with a price, dearie." I am well aware of that by now. How can I make him stop saying this?

A: You can't. It's deeply encoded in his basic circuitry. However, his control panel is equipped with variety of language settings.* Setting it to different ones may grant you the auditory reprieve of which you seek. At the very least, he'll say it in different, cool accents.

*Warning: Avoid the Pig Latin setting as it gives him terrible bouts of oinking hives and he may grant you curly pink tail for your efforts.

Q: My RUMPLESTILSKIN unit keeps turns my ex-boyfriends into flower arrangements and giving them to me. What should I do?

A: Stop inviting your ex-boyfriends over to your house, dumb-dumb! Or for monetary gain, book Madison Square Garden and, charging an outrageous admission fee, turn it into a magic act!

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has suddenly begun acting even odder than usual by exhibiting sporadic behavior and speaking mainly in maniacal riddles. What should I do?

A: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN has purposely activated his "Sacrificial Love for His Son" subprogram. This program allows him to completely absorb his dying son's essence to keep him alive. Give your unit his spinning wheel as a focal point while you research how to extract his son without killing him.

End Notes:

If you and RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit begin to fall in love and kiss, he may lose his supernatural appearance. If you are lucky, he will retain his magical abilities and dance you off into a happily ever after. If you are unlucky, he will banish you from his presence indefinitely. Consider yourself fairly warned.

* * *

**Oh, Robert Carlyle, how much doth I enjoy thy character of the Rumplestiltskin? Well, so much it makes me talketh funny! :D**

**CrimeshowsNumber1Fan, good job catching me! I switched the Ancient Wise One sayings out because I realized they were actually Gold's sayings instead of Rumple's. And yes I am that anal retentive to differentiate between the two.*winks* **

**Okay, the skin peeling/throwing thing? Jennifer Morrison has said that he did that during rehearsal! Hysterical! Youtube 'OUAT Paleyfest 2012 '.**

**I have been wanting to write this for SO long and just thought it was too much. So anyway, here's my Saturday for your literary enjoyment. **

**********If I have left out any information you deem incredibly important for this piece, review or PM me about it, and hey I'll make an addendum or something, yeah? :)**

**Interested in a user guide and manual for a Mr. Gold model? Speak up if you do!**

**Thanks to my mystery guest, CrimeShowsNumber1Fan, Robin4, and boots111 for your great reviews. You're my sweeties!**

**Thanks as well to TheMidnightDreamer107, fireflower815, pretendtolikeyourtasteinmusic, and denimblues for your support of this tale.**

**Everyone appreciates feedback. Leave a review if you like. You know I'd love to hear from you! :)**

******I have also created a user guide and manual for the character of R from the movie Warm Bodies. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, dude, you are seriously missing out! ;_;**


	2. MR GOLD

I do not own ABC's Once Upon a Time.

I just try to keep up with all its little twists and turns.

MR. GOLD: A User Guide and Manual

* * *

Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first MR. GOLD unit. In order to ensure a happy Storybrooke existence with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.

* * *

Technical Specifications:

Name: Mr. Gold – first name unknown as classified documents from Storybrooke Homeland Security (aka former Sherriff Graham) have been unexplainably redacted

Alias: Sir, Old Man CrabbyPants, He-Who-Walks-Alone

Age: presents as a 50 plus year old man – actually only 28 years old

Place of Manufacture: Storybrooke, Maine

Height: 5 ft. 8 in.

Weight: unknown – slightly lighter in heft than RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit as this model presents san scales and approximately 270 less years of sins upon his fine-suited shoulders

Included Accessories:

(1) hardly chipped tea cup (prized possession; handle with extreme care)

(1) Pawn and Antiques Shop filled with various fantastical oddities

(1) surprisingly versatile cane, utilized for many purposes including physical stabilizer and beatings administrator

(1) large, inexplicably _salmon-colored,_ Victorian-style house filled with expensive, dusty knick-knacks that hold no real value to him

(1) black, little used pimp-daddy car

(1) magically imbued scarf – possibly once served as son unit's baby binky

Programming:

Your MR. GOLD unit is equipped with the following modes:

_Jack-of-all-Trades_: Need a magical element set aside "for a rainy day"? Someone to menacingly crunch red apples to a certain seething civil servant maybe? Or perhaps procure magical baubles and books of forgotten lore? Need someone who knows how to use smelly sheep offings to burn down a troublesome establishment? Your MR. GOLD unit is the one to go to for any and all atypical needs. For a price of course.

_Miserly Landlord:_ From sweet old grannies to wing-clipped nuns, your MR. GOLD unit will raise the rent on them all and smile coldly in their faces while he does it. A mannerly veiled quip or two at their helpless ire and he's on his way to the next victim, er, tenant.

_A Long Memory_: Your MR. GOLD unit is particularly long of memory especially when triggered by the name of a certain long necked, white feathered bird of ballet renown. He also exhibits an "Under My Cloak" subprogram which helps him keep his new acquired revelations secret until the most opportune moment presents itself.

_Bi-Polar Store-Owner: _Your MR. GOLD unit prefers that people do not "break my little bell" but will recklessly destroy his own store items while in the throes of emotional turmoil. Rest assured that his pronounced limp will not slow him down during any combat with the targets of his rage, but only serve to grant him a regally odd grace and majesty. While shattering treasured baubles to worthless bits.

_Dastardly Pop-Pop Hiding a Tender Heart_: Your MR. GOLD unit may pretend to be an uncaring, heartless old wretch but he actually possesses a surprising sentimentality and emotional depth of character. He may even share bits of hard-earned wisdom* with you if you happen to catch him in a verbose mood. And if you're smart, you'll take them to heart. Assuming you've still got one.

*A few wisely spoken adages are:

"That's the thing about children. Before you know it . . . you lose them." – Make your children important.

"You find goodness in others. And when it's not there, you create it." – You can influence people to be better.

"So long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future." – Let your pain go so you can be truly happy.

"Love. It's like a delicate flame. And once it's gone . . . it's gone forever." – Live and enjoy your life right now.

Useful Talents/Abilities:

_Quips, Puns, & Mocking Jests: _Your MR. GOLD unit has an extremely dry sense of humor which he is more than pleased to dole out to anyone whom he deems worthy of sly hints here and there and perhaps even a touch of revelation thrown in for good measure. Make sure you pay attention so these little golden nuggets don't fly right over your cursed little head.

_Misdirection and Misdeeds:_ Your MR. GOLD unit gets what he wants and sometimes that necessitates allowing people to believe he is actually more deviant than he really is. Or maybe not. Careful with this ability as he may use it on your desperate soul before you have a chance to blink and then you'll own him a favor.

_Most Gentlemanly Manners_: If you so choose to purchase a REGINA unit as an addition to your Once Upon a Time Play Pal Set, your MR. GOLD unit will automatically activate a new capability to make any request ending pointedly with "please" and your REGINA unit will be compelled to comply with his request.

_Master of the Cane_: Your MR. GOLD unit smoothly ambulates with the assistance of a fancy cane. This cane can also be used to beat the living daylights out of whomever has earned that ill fate. Be it an innocent flower vendor or a drunkened horndog, your MR. GOLD unit doles out his justice when or where he so chooses. Best to stay under his crystal ball radar.

_God-like Resilency: _It is nearly impossible to kill off your MR. GOLD unit as he refuses to expire or actually stay dead. Called it spectral stubbornness if you will. Be it poisoning, a stab wound, or simply evil Jedi death thoughts, your MR. GOLD unit is built to take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.

Removal of Your Unit from Packaging:

Your MR. GOLD unit can prove to be stubborn when compelled to break the safety of his shelter and alter identity. Here are some useful suggestions that may expediate the process if you don't have twelve episodes, er, hours to wait for him to reveal his true nature.

1) If you are very hasty and very stupid, you can abscond with his hardly chipped teacup. However, it is wise to update all your hospital and insurance information before doing so.

2) If you are a petite female, don some scrubby clothes and a slightly disheveled BELLE wig (available for purchase in our costume/Halloween shoppe) and act lost, yet still brave and curious. This will compel your MR. GOLD unit to exit his box in disbelief and hug you. Enjoy it while you can because he will likely begin scheming nefarious plots of revenge and accidently leave you trailing behind in his slightly limping wake.

3) If you are a tall, wooden-like male with the wrong color eyes, skulk around acting like you are looking for your long lost papa. Your MR. GOLD unit will peek out at you suspiciously, but if you are calm and unassuming, he will eventually show himself, hug you, and beg your forgiveness. You may take such opportunity to allow him to unload all his most heartfelt machinations and absolve him of his guilt or you may simply attempt to ambush him in his vulnerability. The choice is yours.

Transportation of Your Unit:

Take caution when transporting your MR. GOLD unit on romantic getaways or family vacations. He becomes rather agitated when journeying far afield as he tends to manifest decidedly mortal tendencies upon leaving Storybrooke, Maine. Aerial transportation to New York City in particular really tends to freak him out. You may need to administer liberal doses of Dramamine to calm his nerves and thereby avoid him smashing up his hands in public restrooms.

Compatibility with Other Units:

AGED CORA unit: Your MR. GOLD unit still harbors lingering feelings for what this unit once represented to him. This, however, will not stop him from sacrificing her for the greater good and so that he may survive in the hopes of building a new relationship with a BAE/NEAL unit. However, seeing as he is decidedly incapacitated, you will need to purchase MARY MARGRET and REGINA units to complete this particular sidequest and receive your "Heart Full of Love" achievement.

REGINA unit: As mentioned in the RUMPELSTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE user guide and manual, your MR. GOLD unit experiences an ever shifting relationship with this unit. He will manipulate and trick her at every chance he gets. A most entertaining aspect of this relationship is the verbal banter exchanged between the two units. As his alter ego served as a mentor to the orginial REGINA unit, she also possesses the ability to pull glowy hearts from chests although interestingly enough, she has not attempted this feat on neither your RUMPLESTILTSKIN nor MR. GOLD units.

LIGHT BELLE unit: Your MR. GOLD unit internally pines for this unit as he believes she is lost to him forever. However with the helpful of a certain storm-cloud eyed MAD HATTER unit, these two units will be reunited in post-curse bliss. For about five seconds before your MR. GOLD unit stupidly chooses magical revenge and power over LIGHT BELLE unit. After much angst and nail biting frustration, your LIGHT BELLE and MR. GOLD units will be once more reunited. For five more seconds before he engages in self sacrificial action against a PETER PAN/MALCOLM unit. Rest assured that your LIGHT BELLE unit will not cease in her quest for true love until reunited _again_ with her MR. GOLD.

DARK BELLE/LACEY unit: This alternative unit proves particularly baffling to your MR. GOLD unit as it looks similar but presents very differently than LIGHT BELLE unit. Your MR. GOLD unit will require professional and not-so-much professional counseling for the effect this unit has on him. Ever the love-struck gentleman, he will try to date this unit which will prove most painful for every unfortunate witness involved. Though his feelings of disquiet and wrongness never leave him entirely, your MR. GOLD unit will find himself enjoying the company of a DARK BELLE/LACEY unit as she is excited by his titillating bad boy side. Whether you enjoy this display or are repulsed by it, be warned that you will not be able to turn away from the disturbing spectacle that ensues.

ZELENA/WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST unit: Due to his alter ego's cruel treatment of her (proving the age old lesson of "Do Unto Others"), your MR. GOLD unit now remains a major target/plaything of this unit. By an odd turn of events, this unit possesses what is hereafter referred to as "The Dark One's Pointy Thingy" and exhibits complete and utter control over your MR. GOLD unit. She enjoys shaving the face of her caged assassin and engaging in somewhat disturbing foreplay at least until she discovers he is going for his pointy thingy. No, not _that_ pointy thingy.

BAE/NEAL unit: Your MR. GOLD unit has been searching for this son unit for years. His alter ego, a RUMPESTILSKIN unit, he even created the "curse to end all curses" just to journey to a land without magic to reunite with this unit. Having not seen this unit since it was a mere lad unit, he may accidently assume (we all know what that makes you) that random male units are a BAE/NEAL unit when in fact they are not. And most sadly, in the end, this unit will first reject him, then accept him, then be lost again to him.

EMMA SWAN unit: A long haired blond savior of the fairytale units of Storybrooke, this unit triggers latent Enchanted Forest memories and curse techinicalities knowledge when he hears her name spoken. This unit will prove very useful to him as well and eventually owe him a favor of more than just a sandwich. An EMMA unit also has a family connection of being his almost daughter-in-law.

PETER PAN/MALCOLM unit: Your MR. GOLD unit feels a personal connection to this unit and pursue him all over your Neverland and Storybrooke Playsets. Good hiking footwear is suggested in order to keep up on this arduous trek across the realms. Also, be aware that your MR. GOLD unit has an end goal of permanently stopping and destroying this unit for the sake of a HENRY unit and the greater good. If this instance does occur, Amazon will not refund your money order as this is a set storyline event.

Cleaning:

Taking care of your MR. GOLD unit will prove quite easy so long as you brush up, um, razor up, on your dry dagger shaving skills. Your MR. GOLD unit also enjoys it when you gently brush his silky brown hair.

Feeding:

Your MR. GOLD unit no doubt enjoys partaking of the finer things in life. (I mean, dude, have you _seen_ his impressive gold ring and expensive suits? Jeez.) However, he has been seen on frequent occasion dining at Granny's on unlikely meals of cheeseburgers and fries. Skeptics of his enjoyment of these foods abound due to the fact that no one ever has actually seen him ingest any of the above mentioned refreshments.

Rest:

As a human, your unit must sleep to regain his strength for secretive carryings-on. His comfy bed, a rather restrictive underground metal cage, or a plush couch in his shop may provide him with adequate space required for a cozy respite.

Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:

Q: My MR. GOLD unit keeps beating people with his cane and accusing them of random wrongdoings. What do I do?

A: Well, it depends on if they deserve it, now doesn't it?

Q: My MR. GOLD unit has a very overactive shadow that keeps running around hiding all my stuff. What do I do?

A: Give it all the stuff that your ex-boyfriend left at your place. And your credit card statements. And your speeding tickets.

Q: My MR. GOLD unit keeps saying I owe him favors and I don't want to pay up. Is there a deactivation code I can use to reset this unit?

A: Nope. Better fess up and take your medicine. Then after taking your medicine, go fulfill the favor.

Q: My BELLE unit is on backorder from Amazon and my MR. GOLD unit just mopes around my house. What do I do?

A: Give him his chipped tea cup. It won't stop his pain, but it will give you something in which to catch his bitter, salty tears of regret.

End Notes:

Your MR. GOLD unit is an ever changing, ever evolving force in the playsets of both the Enchanted Forest and Storybrooke. Future addendums will no doubt need to be created due to the high volume of brown matter that seems to hit the fan whenever he is involved in anything.

* * *

**Hope you have enjoyed this addition to the OUAT user guide and manual! It was really fun to write.**

**After careful consideration, I will not be writing one for Rumplestiltskin: Pre Dark One because it just seems too sad. ;_;**

**However, if there are any other characters you wish to see given the same lovingly sardonic treatment, PM me or just ask in a review. Come on, who's up for a REGINA unit or a GRUMPY unit? I love my OUAT characters and I'm game to work on nearly anybody. **

**Or, if this was cute and is now quite enough, that's okay too. ;)**

**As before, if I have left out any information you deem incredibly important for this piece, review or PM me about it, and hey I'll make an addendum or something, yeah?**

**A personal tidbit: Dramamine and me? Good pals, we are. Good, comatose pals. Uh-huh.**

**Thanks to CrimeShowsNumber1Fan for suggesting the cane proficiency and please section. You are quite clever, dearie! :)**

**Thanks as well to that mystery guest reviewer (same one as before, dearie?) and Robin4 for your great reviews. I appreciate you! :)**


	3. CAPTAIN HOOK

I do not own Once Upon a Time.

I just try to keep up with its little twists and turns.

CAPTAIN HOOK: User Guide and Manual

* * *

Congratulations! You have just purchased your very own CAPTAIN HOOK unit! In order to ensure a happy, seafaring existence with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.

Note: If you have mistakenly received a waxed-mustached, permed CAPTAIN HOOK unit instead, please contact us at our "notthedustinhoffman" link or facebook us with "mybad" for an exchange or a full refund.

* * *

Technical Specifications:

Name: Killian Jones

Alias: Killian, Hook, One-Handed Wonder, The Hairy Sexy Man

Storybrooke Identity Anomaly: One of the few denizens of your Play Pal Playset that has no alternate identity; similar to Ironman - just lives it right out there in the open

Age: presents as 33 years old; actual age unknown as Neverland is a timeless realm - especially when you're gazing into his deep blue eyes

Place of Manufacture: The High Seas

Height: 5 ft. 11in

Weight: 180 lbs. - probably more, what with the hook and all that leather

Included Accessories:

(1) Silver detachable hooked appendage

(1) Majestic sailing vessel, aka, The Jolly Roger

(1) Complete pirate captain outfit, which appears simultaneously very alluring and deathly hot and uncomfortable

(1) Huge ego with a heaping side of smooth, inexhaustible wit and delicious banter to match

Programming:

Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is equipped with the following modes:

_The Bad Boy_: Always ready for a good spin, your carefree swashbuckler enjoys pillaging, plundering, kidnap, and, in general, just making a ruckus wherever he goes. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is a well-travelled individual, be his destination rowdy taverns, lost islands, mermaid coves, or unassuming northern American fictional towns. If you choose to travel with him, take care to keep your up-to-date visa, plenty of various currencies, and a generous supply of magic beans on your person at all times so that you do not find yourself stranded in unpleasant circumstances.

_Devilishly Charming Ladies' Man: _Already distinctly appealing in a Dread Pirate Roberts sort of way, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit ups the swoon ante by utilizing his God-given gifts of bright blue eyes, shaggy dark mane, and partially exposed hairy upper torso (dude, he's a _bear_) to attract the attention of all the ladies.*

*Interestingly enough, still doesn't get _near_ the action that a RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE unit racks up.

_Necessary Roughness Brawler_: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is quite handy in a swordfight against nearly anyone, him being a pirate and all. Also not above giving an innocent woman a unwarranted backhand or perhaps even the occasional shoulder bullet wound, this unit can present as a little rough around the edges. He does refrain from fighting invalids, however, as he so clearly states.

_Unsung Hero_: Whether by selfish ambition, to quench the fires of regret and remorse, or out of love and desire, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit often finds himself lending aid to those in need. Unfortunately for him, he hardly ever receives a 'thank you' or 'job well done'. Although on occasion, he is rewarded with a kiss he can definitely handle from his favorite strong-willed blond woman.

Unwilling Pawn: Be it bad luck or his own naughty meddling, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit frequently finds himself engaging in malfeasance, usually at the controlling hands of a vindictive female unit. More recent individuals include AGED CORA, ZELENA, REGINA, and EMMA SWAN units. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has a tendency to get shuffled to and fro more than a bouncing, air-filled orb at a high school basketball tournament.

Useful Talents/Abilities:

Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has many useful talents and abilities. The following are but a few.

_Really Bad Eggs_: A once honorable lieutenant sailor now turned pirate 'with honor', your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is quite capable of traversing the open seas in search of adventure, loot, and vengeance. Given the right motivation, he may also be persuaded to serve as a guide for you on a quest of your choosing.

_Smooth Operator_: Whether encouraging a good cat fight for his entertainment or shamelessly flirting with nearly every female he encounters (haven't really seen him hit on Granny yet, but give him time, right?) your CAPTAIN HOOK unit enjoys a good bout of conversing and canoodling with the ladies. Oddly enough, also appears to unconsciously flirt with half the males in the vicinity too. We don't really think this means anything – it's just a reflexive action on his part.

_Tender-Hearted Ruffian_: Though Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit tries to appear shallow and brash, he does notice and appreciate the unique characteristics of certain people. He will willingly comment on them (and everything else) to the abashment whatever individual on whom he is currently waxing philosophical.

_Rustic Apothecary_: Poisoned by Dreamshade while in Neverland? Lucky for you, your ready and able CAPTAIN HOOK unit knows right where to find the cure. What's that you say? Frustrated with the prospect of never being able to leave your newfound hideaway? Well, what more could you ask for in a relaxing vacation spot than sunny beaches, rainforest jungles, and eternal youth? Appreciate what you've got and stop complaining, you ungrateful git!

Ahem, moving right along . . .

_Misleading Scalawag_: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit can be quite the gentleman, though he doesn't always want everyone to know it. If he is gifted paid company for a romantic evening out, rest assured you will hear an earful of juicy, completely fabricated details concerning his carnal exploits. One must keep up pirately appearances, after all.

_I'm A Survivor_: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit deeply cherishes his own personal existence and will continue it for as long as possible. This being a major goal of his, he will scheme and connive to ensure his continued stay on this mortal plane. This does not prevent him from getting into scrapes and scuffles so we advise you bring along a spring-loaded first-aid kit whenever you run off adventuring with him.

_Forbidden Lips_: For a certain span of time, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is cursed to take magic away from the first person to kiss his lips.* In the light of this interesting revelation, you must decide what your magic is worth to you.** If you have trouble making this decision, feel free to hold this unit's head underwater for a bit to achieve that almost-dead-yet-still-somehow-attractive look.

*Intended target being an EMMA SWAN unit. However during this time, keep your GOLD unit away from Granny's alcoholic beverages. No need to cause a weird love triangle . . . quadrilateral . . . oh never mind.

** Ah, who are we kidding? Just go for it! Undoubtedly, some spell or another can be purchased at your local Target store at a later date to bring back your magic.

Removal of Your Unit from Packaging:

No doubt you will want to open his packaging, ahem, (sorry, slip of the tongue) _the_ packaging as soon as your CAPTAIN HOOK unit arrives on your doorstep.

Here are a few tips:

JUST RIP OPEN THAT PACKAGE AND LET THE FUN BEGIN, BABY!

*Warning: Do not, _under any circumstances_ _whatsoever_, allow your RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE or GOLD unit to open this package. Our company will not take responsibility for any and all mayhem that ensues thereafter. Most likely, neither will your insurance provider.

Compatibility with Other Units:

Being an interworldly man of mystery, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has many connections with many individuals in many realms. Here are but a few for your consideration.

LIAM JONES unit: An older brother to our handsome marauder, this unit has all the stuffins of a noble King's Navy captain. Poise, command, confidence, a slight hint of greed. On a secret mission from the King and with a sail made of Pegasus feathers, he sails his trusting crew and his little, ahem, _younger_ brother to Neverland. Unfortunately for him, the creature Pan manipulates him into orchestrating his own demise and, in essence, destroying the upstanding life of the little noble brother in the process. His ship, the JOLLY ROGER unit, previously named 'Jewel of the Realm' remains as his last standing attachment to his brother.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit's fearless sense of adventure stole away the yearning heart from this unit's wife long ago in a small tavern. He attempted to show compassion by lying and proclaiming that she was dead but to no avail. Now he harbors a lifelong grudge against this Crocodile-like unit for murdering his first love and hopes to one day kill this unit to avenge his lady love.

MILAH unit: This ravishing, dark haired unit presents as your CAPTAIN HOOK unit's first love, though she was espoused to a RUMPLESTILTSKIN: PRECURSE unit at the time of their association. She willingly abandons her cowardly husband and very young son to sail off into the sunset with her dashing, dark haired buccaneer lover. He unfortunately must watch her die by having her heart ripped by her vengeful power-crazed ex-husband. Forever carrying the pain of that within him, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit attempts to fill the void of a broken hearted by making his ship (and sworn vengeance) his number one priority to detriment of all else.

SMEE unit: This cool-headed, slightly round, red-capped individual serves your CAPTAIN HOOK unit's right hand man while sailing all the seas of the realms and sometimes navigating the dry lands as well. Prone to dreams of cheese, he nevertheless is an enthusiastic and loyal sidekick who extends wise counsel to your sometimes rash, over-eager brigand.

BAE unit: These two units officially met when the teenage BAE unit sacrificed his newfound happiness for the protection of those he cared for and your CAPTAIN HOOK unit saved him from mermaids. Though he plays it close to the vest initially, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit feels compassion and concern for this 'lost boy' and takes him under his wing. But such a familial thing cannot last due to the BAE unit's shock and anger at the revelations your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has in store for him.

PETER PAN unit: This unit presents himself as a skinny adolescent boy. But make no mistake, there's more to him than meets the eye. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has actually served in the employ of this unassuming elfish figure for many, many years though now their allegiance appears to have gone awry. This unit holds something that your piratey unit wants: passage off the island. (No, not _that_ island – Neverland.) The question is: will your CAPTAIN HOOK unit crunch to pressure or hold his loyalties?

EMMA SWAN unit: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is immediately taken with the straightforward, strong attitude and of course, lovely beauty, of this unit. He is also attracted to the fact that she keeps pushing him away more than the Olsen twins push away their untouched dinner plates. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is not fazed by this repeated rejection (mostly) and will continue to pursue an EMMA SWAN unit until she gives in to his enduring love and charm, he dies, or a forgetting spell is enacted.

JOLLY ROGER unit: Yes, we are well aware that this unit is actually a sailing vessel and not a living, breathing person. However, it is unclear whether your CAPTAIN HOOK unit understands that as well. You see, a sincere pirate loves his ship and knows every inch of her (even that loose plank he's been meaning to fix). He will go to the greatest of lengths keep her safe and bring her back to himself if she is ever lost anyway from him. He sees beauty in every mast and sailcloth. He personally views it as a grievous peccadillo for anyone to pilot her save himself. In its own way, it is almost a devoted marriage of a _non_-dendrophiliatic nature.

Cleaning and Maintenance:

Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit garbs himself in a certain unique mix of pirate and Depeche Mode style of clothing that most certainly requires dry cleaning from time to time. It may be a challenge to convince himself to remove this clothing (aww) because he never wears anything else. We suggest hitting him with a car and knocking him out just long enough to outfit him in a hospital robe and gown (open in the back perhaps?) while you abscond with his clothes to the dry cleaners.

Because he is indeed a pirate, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit requires the standard issue pirate kohl-black eye liner and shadow to really complete his ensemble because it makes him look cooler and more mysteriously handsome.

It would greatly behoove you to refresh your Hook's eyeliner in order to fully experience the optimum beauty of his manliness. He will become quite put-out if you don't pony up the cash for a generous stash. So grab your coupons and make haste for the nearest Walgreens to stock up.

Feeding:

Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit does not present with any particular culinary tastes. However, he does prefer to enjoy his ale/rum and assorted foodstuffs in a crowded tavern, Granny's diner, or on the high seas where any spilling mishaps can just be swept off-deck.

Rest:

Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is most at home on his ship, reclining in his captain's bed or a swinging hammock deep within the hold of his sailing vessel. As of late, he does however dream of an EMMA SWAN unit joining him there for a peaceful repast or perhaps more amorous activities.

Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:

Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit keeps chasing me wherever I go, trying to kiss me and bring my memories back. What do I do?

A: Error 804: Unable to process the actual problem here. Please rephrase inquiry.

Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit keeps dazzling gaggles of ladies with his handsome face, sparkling smile, and quick wit. What do I do?

A: Join the aforementioned gaggle and enjoy! Better than putting a brown paper bag over his head and diminishing all his pretty.

Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit keeps antagonizing and berating my next door neighbor who just happens to be a giant and looks like that big guy from Lost. What should I do?

A: Well, everybody needs a hobby, sweetie. Get him a Twitter account so that he may unleash his charm on the entire world while you secretly pay for your neighbor's psychiatric counseling. #Hugoneedsacuddle

Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit has recently become obsessed with blue Jell-O. What should I do?

A: Visit your local Kroger store for the upcoming 10 for 10 sale and stock up! Oh, and buy yourself a blue dress and do a wiggle dance for him just to stir things up a bit.

End Notes:

As with most Once Upon a Time Units, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is an ever developing entity who continues to evolve and reveal new curious aspects of himself at the drop of a hat. No doubt future addendums will need to be added just to keep up with the ever shifting character of this unit.

* * *

**Alrighty, SkywardWriter, hope you enjoy your specially manufactured CAPTAIN HOOK unit! 'Twas your idea after all. ;)**

**Thanks to SkywardWriter, The Heroine With 1000 Faces, Strummer Pink, Robin4, Invisible Observer 813, fireflower815, and my kind guests for your excellent reviews. I appreciate you very much, sweeties.**

**Thanks to Invisible Observer 813 for catching my age error. I think I got it right this time.**

**Thanks to The Heroine With 1000 Faces for the "eyeliner replenishment for optimum manliness enhancement" bit. You're tons of fun, sweetie!**

**And now, who's next? Who do you want to see? Come on, step right up, step right up, ladies and gents. I can do this all day! ;)**

**By request, coming relatively soon to a fanfiction near you: ROBIN HOOD, DAVID, PRINCE CHARMING, JEFFERSON, MAD HATTER, REGINA, BELLE, GRUMPY, ZELENA, SNOW WHITE, and MARY MARGARET unit user guides and manuals.**

**Best Youtube vid I have seen all day (and trust me – researching this chapter – _LOADS_) on Emma/Hook kissing: 'Once Upon a Time Hook and Emma Kissing Fan Reactions' by Broadwaygirl01. Warning: Do not eat or drink during viewing or you will most certainly choke and die.**

**In reference to the Rumple/Hook kissing joke, it's based on a hilarious blooper reel. Youtube 'OUAT season 1 & 2 bloopers'. No actual kissing, but a funny triangle with Rumple/Hook/Belle.**

**And while I'm going on and on (and on and . . .) what do Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis have against islands anyway? They were shipwrecked as children, weren't they? I mean, it's the only explanation for this connection between OUAT and Lost! Besides my overactive brain, that is.**

**Now think about this – What if Neverland and the Lost island are one and the same? Alright, all Lost conspiracy theorists – Ready? Set? _GO_! – Hee hee, look at 'em run! Whee! *giggles manically like Rumple***

**Now look here, people, I am _not_ getting back on that island, do you hear me? I am _done_ with it. I can not be persuaded, _under any circumstances_ , to . . . oh crud, now I've got to go watch Lost again. Be right back.**

**Anywho, thanks for reading and be well! :D**


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